


That Blue Sky

by MariaLujan



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship, all the shulienne feelings, the beginning of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25618168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaLujan/pseuds/MariaLujan
Summary: Sister Julienne wakes up one morning and knows exactly how her day will be. But someone new comes into her life to change everything.
Relationships: Bernadette | Shelagh Turner & Julienne
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have wanted to write a 100% Shulienne story for a long time, but I only wrote trash. Today I started this, which I like but I have no idea if there will be many chapters or just this one.  
> Also, the only thing I know about rules in religious congregations is what I learned in the program and when I was 9 years old and wanted to be a nun. So if you see any mistake, you can tell me and I will learn more (and maybe I will become a nun, it would not be so bad).  
> Thank you very much for reading, and as always, sorry for my bad English.

_July 1, 1948_

Sister Julienne woke with a start. She had a bad dream, one in which a bomb fell nearby and destroyed everything around it.

Too little light came in through the window, she thought it was too early yet, but it was almost 6. She heard again the sound that her sleeping mind mistaken for a bomb: a thunder, sounding in the distance, foreshadowing a monumental storm.

She got out of bed and opened the window, a breath of fresh air came in, relieving the heat that accumulated in the night.

The rapidly approaching storm made it seem like midnight, blanketing everything with a menacing darkness, dragging the summer morning away.

She breathed in the air, mentally preparing herself for the hectic day ahead. She preferred to spend a rainy day in bed, sleeping or relaxing with a reading, but that life she lived was far away now. Being a nurse and a midwife required being ready at any time and in any weather, because sick people and babies never keep in mind the inclement weather or the clock.

She saw that at the corner, a bicycle turned with great speed, and she immediately distinguished one of her sisters, Sister Mary, rushing into Nonnatus before being soaked in the rain. Sister Julienne closed the window to get dressed and go out to meet her sister and ask her about Mr. Flinch, a poor dying man who they took turns taking care of in his dirty flat. Hopefully and with the grace of God, she thought, the man had died that morning. It was not a good thought for a nun, but she was also human, and observing the terrible suffering, without any hope of recovery, only made her pray that the man could rest at the end of a lifetime of misery, pain, and abandonment.

She was closing the curtain, when she saw that, again in the corner, a small figure was walking and heading towards the stairs of Nonnatus with steps full of determination, and a suitcase in its hand.

She suddenly remembered it.

“Today comes a new postulant!” she exclaimed, and looked at the alarm clock on her nightstand again.

 _Too early to arrive, which is too enthusiastic_ , something Sister Evangelina said when she informed that a girl appeared two weeks ago, asking to join the Order.

 _“She's not going to do us any good,”_ her sister added, _“Too pretty, too young, and too enthusiastic. The perfect recipe to get out of here in three months.”_

Sister Julienne closed the curtain and left the cell, putting on her veil, listening in the distance to the knocking on the door.

 _Yes,_ she thought, _Too much enthusiasm and anxiety to enter here. I think I will have to agree with sister Evangelina._

She walked quickly down the dimly lit hallway.

_Although perhaps she's only anxious to enter because she doesn't want to be soaked to the bone._

When she opened the door, the first drops fell.

“Good morning.”

The first thing she noticed was the agitated voice. Then she saw the face, full of fear and anxiety, and then she noticed a slight cigarette scent.

 _Since when do we accept 12 years old girls?_ she thought, flatly refusing to accept this new postulant.

“Good morning,” Julienne greeted politely. She had to give the chance, she was here for that even though she felt tired of always repeating the same words and teachings to people who then left the convent forever.

The girl smiled nervously.

“I'm sorry if I arrived too early…”

“No, not at all,” she lied, “in a minute we pray the Lauds. Enter.”

“Wonderful, I love the Lauds,” said the young woman, entering and looking at everything around her. Her gray eyes sparkled behind round glasses.

Sister Julienne closed the heavy door and turned to the newcomer.

She tried to remember what her name was. Sister Evangelina said it, even wrote it down on a piece of paper and left it on her desk, but she lost it among many other names of other young women who also wanted to enter Nonnatus. 

She didn't know if it was because of the war, still so raw and stuck in everyone's veins, or because of the lack of a future, or the lack of men, or because of divine inspiration, but the truth was that every week two or three girls knocked on Nonnatus's door saying with all their conviction that they wanted to wear a habit.

And then, as Sister Evangelina predicted, they fled after three months.

Now she had to agree with her sister, because the girl in front of her, who seemed incredibly young and inexperienced in everything, might not even last a month there. Her fine and distinguished face, her pale and delicate hands, her princess posture and her barely audible little voice, all those things would be smashed to pieces in the streets of Poplar. And nobody so pretty and young would want to lose all that charm in England's poorest neighborhood.

“Can you tell me your name?” she asked, pretending she had suddenly forgotten what her name was. The girl passed her suitcase to the left hand, looked Julienne straight in the eye and smiled, extending her free hand.

“Shelagh Mannion, I'm a nurse, I'm a recent graduate, I did my internship in the London. I have all my papers here, in case you need to see them.”

Sister Julienne immediately detected an accent that put her on the cold shores of Scotland. That made her smile, because if the girl was Scottish, then Sister Evangelina would have a rival in her stubbornness.

“Welcome, Shelagh,” she took the girl's hand, barely shook it, “Welcome to Nonnatus House. Although, the first lesson you should learn is not to look into the eyes so directly, and not to shake hands.”

She noted how the girl instantly blushed and withdrew her frightened hand, as if she had been burned. Julienne could not help but laugh and placed a hand on one of the girl's elbows.

“Calm down, don't feel bad, you will learn little by little. Now come to my office…” the sound of the clock, punctuated with a thunder, interrupted her, “Well, I will go to the chapel first, it is time for Lauds. Will you join us?”

“Yes,” the girl, Sheila, or Shelagh, or whatever her name was, smiled widely. A bright smile, full of hope. Sister Julienne could not help but look at that smile, she had not seen a show of confidence and security like that for a long time, at least she had not seen it in the devastated Poplar where everyone smiled with sad and helpless looks.

Then she noticed her eyes, brimming with youth and _by God, she's so pretty. She will soon find desperate suitors around here._ But something in those eyes, that now she saw that they were not gray, but blue, told her that this girl was here to stay.

“Come, come with me, the chapel it is around here” the nun said, heard her own voice sounding softer, as if she wanted to treat this new person in the most courteous way possible, thus remedying her first prejudices about her, “After praying we will go to my office, have you had breakfast?”

“No, not yet,” she replied shyly, walking behind her.

She looked at her over her shoulder and inadvertently smiled at the girl.

“Then you'll have breakfast with me while we talk about you.”

The young woman nodded, and smiled again.

When Sister Julienne entered the chapel, she looked towards the Cross and joined her sisters, ready to start the day under the blessing of God. The lightnings flashed and made strange games of light with the windows of the chapel, and the thunders mixed with the well-known and beloved voices, until one voice, coming from the background, rose above the others.

She turned a little, and saw the girl who a few minutes ago put her two feet on Nonnatus. She might seem fragile, but her voice was firm, determined to praise God. She knew every word of the hymns and psalms, she knew exactly what this was and what it meant.

 _Perhaps she's brilliant_ , Julienne thought, abandoning her prayer, focusing on the girl.

Out of the corner of her eye, Julienne looked at Sister Evangelina, who looked at her with a knowing smile.

Then Julienne looked towards the Cross, and thanked for this new soul that joined Nonnatus. _Forever?_ she asked herself. And then she paid attention to Shelagh's clean and happy voice. _Yes, I think she'll be here forever._


	2. Chapter 2

“And you have...?”

“22 years old, sister,” Julienne looked up at the hurried girl and smiled when she saw her blush.

“I swear you're much younger,” she tried to reassure her, but noticed that the young woman seemed to be getting worse.

“Is that bad?” Shelagh asked, the tinge of fear in her voice.

“No, how could that be bad?” Julienne laughed slightly, “It's just that you look like a girl, although I don't doubt that it's just your appearance, because in your papers I see that you are graduated with honors...”

“Yes,” Shelagh said, looking down, then raised her sparkling eyes again, “Although I know that doesn't mean much when it comes to helping patients. And I understand that as a sister, I shouldn't brag about that.”

Sister Julienne put the papers aside. She had chatted with all the young women who walked through Nonnatus's door, but only this one seemed to know exactly what she wanted and who she was. She looked like a girl, yes, but she also seemed to have unusual courage.

Shelagh proved it once more when she crossed her fingers on the desk, staring at her and disobeying the first rule Julienne had just taught her.

“I know very well how I am, what people can think of me, and I also know what abilities I have and what I want. And what I most want is to join this Order. Not any other, but this one. Because God asks me to make a difference in this world. Believe me, I have not seen the war directly, I was in Scotland and when I arrived in London it was all over. But still I am not indifferent to that, and I know that there was a lot of damage and a lot of evil that must be remedied. And with the new public health service, I know that can be done. So that is why I am here and not elsewhere. Praying and contemplating is not my vocation, my vocation is to pray, but also to work and help. So that's why I ask you, I beg you, to accept me as a postulant.”

The little voice that greeted Julienne when she opened the door had disappeared, now it was a clear and firm voice, the voice of someone who knew exactly what she wanted in her future.

_She's not weak_ , she thought. _She’s what Poplar needs._

If Julienne thought minutes before that this girl was not suitable for this place, now she knew she was totally wrong. This place needed this girl.

“Very good, Shelagh,” she said firmly. She wanted to smile at her, she did not know why but she wanted to do it so that Shelagh was sure she was accepted. But she knew that this girl did not deserve to be treated like a little child, she needed the assurances of an adult, because she was. In fact, Shelagh was more adult and mature than many sisters who were currently living in Nonnatus and in the Mother House.

“I accept you. You can stay and start your studies and training today.”

“Thank you,” Shelagh smiled in relief, but the determination had not left her face.

“I just have to ask you a few more things. Do you have family?”

“No. But it is not for that reason that I am here.”

“Well,” this time she could not help but smile at her, “It was just a question, you made it very clear to me what is the reason why you are here, and I know that you are not lying or looking only for a home and a family. But I must ask you what happened to your family, because you are from Scotland, and that is far away.”

Shelagh seemed saddened, lowering her eyes and barely shook her head. Julienne felt guilty.

“My mother died when I was a child. I don’t have brothers or sisters. And my father died two years ago, I was already here studying nursing.”

“Don't you have other relatives?”

“Yes, there are uncles and cousins with whom I usually write, but not much more than that.”

“Boyfriends?”

She always had to ask this question. It was the way to ensure that one day a madman did not appear demanding the hand of a nun.

Shelagh raised her head, her eyes firm and direct.

“None. I haven't had time for that. I have only worked, saved money for my trip, and studied day and night. I was always clear about who I wanted to be, neither boyfriends nor romantic disappointments were necessary.”

Julienne swallowed hard, those determined words of a young woman hitting her like a punch. She did have a love, which was necessary for her to end up deciding to take this path that God put before her. But Shelagh, the determined Shelagh she was marveling at every second, had not needed any of that.

The girl was perfect.

“Alright, then. Did you finish your breakfast?”

Shelagh nodded, stood up in imitation of the nun.

“I'll introduce you to the others. The normal thing is that you go to the Mother House, there you have time, and silence and a lot of spiritual guidance to think and study. But here all the hands we can join are necessary, and you are already a nurse and you know so much…I am afraid I will not send you there.”

“Perfect.”

“Shelagh,“ she raised a hand slightly, to stop so much enthusiasm, “What I am proposing is not an award or special treatment. I’m proposing something very hard to you, which is to dedicate yourself to your spiritual studies, train as a midwife, and work as a nurse. Do you think you can?”

“Totally.”

She smiled, took the young woman's elbow.

“I believe you, and I also see that you are determined to do this. But if at any point you feel like you can't do it, you should tell me. I will neither doubt you nor believe that you are less qualified. Do you understand that?”

Shelagh lowered her eyes and nodded.

“Yes, Sister Julienne.”

Julienne squeezed the girl's arm a little, to give her confidence and also because… she felt that she should do it, she should assure everything to this person.

“Come with me to the kitchen, you will meet the sisters. Sister Evangelina is who you saw the first time you came here.”

“Oh.”

The disappointment and perhaps fear in Shelagh's voice did not escape her. It was almost logical for anyone to fear Sister Evangelina.

“There is also Sister Monica Joan, she is older but she still accompanies us in our work. She is one of the first who was here, when no one remembered Poplar. Well, now they don't either, but at least we have the NHS.”

She heard the shy footsteps behind her, and turned to look at Shelagh and give her encouragement.

“There are other sisters, like you or a little older, I’m sure you will become familiar with them immediately. And in no time they will be sending us nurses, we really need them. You will see that the work here is incessant.”

“It's what I like, keeping myself busy.”

Julienne frowned.

“Is it for something special?” Julienne asked, trying to sound serious so that the girl would tell right there if something was happening. She had to make absolutely sure that Shelagh was not here for personal reasons unrelated to her religious vocation.

“No, sister,” Shelagh smiled a little, “I've always been too active. I’m like those people who cannot be still. If there is a lot of work I can move and do several things at the same time, I’m a specialist in that.”

“We'll see,” Julienne smiled, “But don't mention that to Sister Evangelina or she won't hesitate to cover you with work all day.”

Julienne said it almost laughing, and the girl laughed too. She liked to be nice to the postulants, but laugh with them? And also, laugh about another sister? That was new, but maybe it was because she was comfortable with this girl. And it seemed Shelagh felt the same way too.

_God, half an hour to meet her and I already think she's my friend._

She felt silly. It was not possible to felt love or friendship for someone, much less show it living under religious rules. Nor was it necessary. People came, left, or were sent elsewhere. The bonds of affection only interrupt those things, they hindered them. All the affection and love felt had to be diverted to the patients, people who desperately needed words of understanding and soft and sweet hands.

“Well, here we are.”

Julienne paused at the door to the dining room, where half a dozen nuns were eating and talking a little.

“Good morning sisters, I have someone to introduce you,” she stepped aside, letting the others look at Shelagh, who was pressing with the force of all her fingers on the handle of her suitcase.

“Good morning, sisters,” Shelagh said, barely a whisper. Julienne trembled at the fear that betrayed that small voice.

“Oh, you came back,” Sister Evangelina said, her tone surprised and at the same time sarcastic.

“She's Shelagh,” Julienne intervened, trying to protect Shelagh, “She wants to enter as a postulant and of course I accepted her.”

“Welcome!” The other nuns greeted.

“I think she's perfect!” Sister Monica Joan exclaimed, then stood up to inspect Nonnatus's most recent acquisition, “A little short and with little sight, but I think you'll be of use to us.”

Sister Julienne, in a protective gesture towards Shelagh who was looking more and more frightened at everyone, put an arm around her and squeezed one of her shoulders.

“What matters here is capacity, Sister Monica Joan. And Shelagh is a recent nursing graduate, and in addition to having a strong desire to help, she has a strong vocation.”

The older nun nodded and then smiled at the girl, and Sister Julienne released Shelagh, feeling observed in her gesture towards a stranger. She ran her hands through her habit, looking at everyone and feeling a tight smile on her face. Then she looked at Shelagh, who was watching her between awkward and fearful.

“Well, Shelagh, come with me, I'll show you your cell and give you the habit you must wear.”

They both walked listening to the general whispering they left behind.

“I think...I think they don't like me.”

She turned when she heard the small hurt voice behind her. The blue eyes were clouded by non-crying tears, the mouth pressed into a nervous line. The body seemed smaller still. Julienne wanted to hold her, _like a mother_. The thought startled her.

“Oh no Shelagh, don't say that,” she tried a reassuring smile, although she did not know if that would work, “It's not what you think. You see, every week someone new comes and then leaves. What you saw is nothing but mistrust, which I know will later fade when they see what I’ve seen in you.”

_That's wrong, Louise_ , she told herself. _It’s wrong for you to say these things; you should not give this kind of compliments. She will be a nun, she must not receive them._

_But she looks so scared_ , said another little voice in her head, the voice that came from her heart.

She was sure she was correct, because Shelagh smiled, confident again.

“I'll make sure they see that this is serious,” she said with determination, “I'm not here to go.”

“Good, Shelagh, but if you want to go, you can. Nobody stops you, this decision is yours, and Nonnatus is not a prison.”

Julienne opened a cell, _the best one_ , said her condemning voice. It was true, it was the cell with the most natural light, with the newest bed and the largest desk. All the cells were prepared for the arrival of new people, but Julienne chose this one, of all.

Shelagh walked slowly in, looked around.

“Everything is ready, the bed has fresh sheets, there are candles, and...” Julienne approached the desk. The books that the last postulant who left Nonnatus had used were there, a little worn and battered.

She squeezed them in her hands and smiled at Shelagh.

“These books are ugly, I'll go to my office and bring you others in better condition. And I'll also bring your habit.”

“Thank you, sister,” Shelagh smiled adorably, and Julienne could not help but reply in kind.

She walked quickly down the hall, thinking that if the previous postulant could study with those books, Shelagh could too. But no, she would give her better, newer ones.

_It’s because she has poor eyesight._

***

Sister Evangelina giggled when, over dinner, the new postulant revealed the name she chose for the rest of her days.

Julienne looked at the nun, sternly, and Evangelina wiped her mouth and tried, in a great effort according to Julienne, to be nice to the girl.

“Sorry. It's just that everyone seems obsessed with that movie…”

“The song of Bernadette?” Shelagh completed.

“Yes. A religious fervor took hold of all of them after seeing it. It is not that I complain, but is it necessary to take the lives of our saints and put sinful and common people, acting like them?

“It's fine if that leads us to have more sisters,” Sister Mary smiled at the newcomer. Shelagh just gave her a nervous half smile.

Julienne put her hand over the girl's and looked at the others.

“If she thinks it's an appropriate name, we shouldn't argue. Eat, Sister Bernadette,” she said, bringing a plate closer. The girl smiled and Julienne looked at the others, who were eating without looking up.

The name was already on. And it fit her very well.

Of course, as Bernadette had no relatives living nearby, it was only Nonnatus's sisters who saw her blonde hair being trimmed and hidden under the white veil. The silver cross that Julienne placed around her neck made her, finally, a postulant for the Order of St. Raymond Nonnatus.

_The blue of the habit highlights her eyes more. And the white of the veil makes her look like an angel._

Behind her, in the chapel, Sister Monica Joan voiced Julienne's inner fears.

“She’s so beautiful! She will leave us very soon!”


	3. Chapter 3

A week later, Sister Bernadette had clearly shown that she was extremely bored. The thought of cleaning, tidying up, and answering the phone was tiring her, and Julienne was watching her with amusement. Without a doubt, Bernadette wanted to be part of the other nuns who rode their bicycles, and attended deliveries and patients. She wanted to be useful and not spend the day at Nonnatus, listening to Sister Monica Joan while they knitted.

"Sister, come here," Julienne called her from the hallway and the girl jumped to her feet, eager to do something.  
"What do you need, sister?"  
"Have you studied?"  
She looked at her as if she had asked the most obvious thing in the world. Julienne cleared her throat and Bernadette changed her posture and gaze, lowering her eyes to her feet.  
"Yes, sister," she answered meekly.  
"Very good. Tonight I'll take your lesson about the book of Genesis. Now, you will accompany Sister Mary to heal a couple of patients who have wounds on their legs."  
Bernadette looked up, smiling happily.  
"Thank you!"

She ran to the door, then came back, grabbed a bag, and went back to the door.  
"Don't run like that!"  
But the girl was already coming down the stairs. Julienne leaned out to see her, there Bernadette asked Fred, another new addition to Nonnatus, what was her bike. She heard the man congratulate her on getting her own bike assigned and starting work, and the girl was laughing and talking with great gestures. Julienne watched her go with Sister Mary, the white veil blowing in the wind.

Meanwhile, Julienne had to relegate herself to office work, since all the papers were overdue.

However, she could not stop thinking about this new girl. She hoped Bernadette was not a bother to Sister Mary, although given the nun's age, they would surely get along and be friends. Julienne smiled, Shelagh, _Bernadette_ , needed friends, or something like that. She was quiet but always seemed eager to talk, and while it was a delight to teach her because she always studied and had shown that she knew a lot about religion and history, she also needed to distract herself, know where she would work, and be part of the community she would serve.  
Julienne sighed, praying that all the patients were kind, but knowing that if they were not, the new girl should get used to it and deal with it. _She's not a child_ , she repeated to herself.

Sister Monica Joan walked into the office, shuffling. Lately they were shortening her work day, she got very tired and sometimes she repeated things two or three times, as if she forgot that she had already said them. That kept her sisters alert, and more than once Evangelina warned that she was becoming a danger to the patients.  
"That man is stubborn!"  
"Who are you referring to, Sister Monica Joan?" Julienne smiled at her from her place. The older nun dropped her bag on the chair, nonchalantly.

"That doctor!"  
"Dr. Turner? Or the other?"  
"Both are just as useless. But I mean the youngest."  
Julienne frowned, Dr Turner was a very capable man, he had shown it in the short time he had been at Poplar. His older colleague, Dr Redwood, was diametrically opposite. An older man, on the brink of retirement, completely stubborn who hated working with nuns and poor patients. Thank God he was about to leave, and that would allow they to work better in every way.  
"What happened to him?"  
"I told him that he should read Aristotle and he replied that he already read it in college and now he doesn't have time for that. How dare he reject a philosopher like that?!"  
Julienne tried to hold back her laughter to appear on the side of Sister Monica Joan. However, she could not help but smile.  
"Sister, he's a very busy doctor. Remember that he has a newborn son, the poor man will not even be able to sleep at night. Perhaps in a while he'll be able to read what you propose to him."

Sister Monica Joan just pouted and grabbed her bag to quickly leave, but Sister Mary almost bumped her.  
"Daughter, be more careful!"  
"I'm sorry Sister Monica Joan. I just wanted to report that we are back with Sister Bernadette, and that we did our job very quickly because that girl is wonderful. Even Mr Holligan was delighted with her! She's so kind and gentle, yet efficient at the same time. Please, Sister Julienne, don't let her go."  
Julienne smiled broadly.  
"I don't think she wants to leave."  
Sister Monica Joan stopped her anger and smiled.

"She's doing very well. And yesterday I asked her to read my Aristotle's book and she did it! Can I help her with her spiritual studies?"  
Julienne felt an inexplicable stab of jealousy. She was about to say _"No, I am the one who guides her with her studies, I am her tutor"_ but Sister Monica Joan was realizing that she was doing less work than before. Julienne wanted to help her, to make her feel useful to others. Sighing, she nodded.  
"Yes, Sister Monica Joan. But only for tonight."

  
***

While the others went about their last activities for the day, Julienne closed the ledgers. She was exhausted. Sometimes keeping accounts for a convent required more effort than riding a bicycle all day. She liked working and taking care of patients, especially mothers and babies, but she was the sister in charge and the administrative part falls all on her.  
She heard a knock on the door and saw Bernadette entering shyly. She could not help but smile as the girl approached her desk.  
"Sister Mary told me that you were wonderful today."

Bernadette blushed.  
"I just did my job, but I think she's pretty impressionable," she laughed slightly, then became suddenly serious, "Is it wrong for me to say that about one of my sisters?"  
"Oh, just a little," she smiled, "Sit down. I forgot that I was supposed to take your lesson today."  
Bernadette reddened again and lowered her eyes.  
Julienne frowned, trying to understand what was going on inside that little head.  
"I'm afraid I couldn't go over it. Sister Monica Joan was...entertaining me."  
"Oh, she asked me if she could help you, and since we're trying to keep her from working outside so much, it seemed right to me. Was she bothering you a lot?"

"Rather, she was scolding me because I don't know in what year they beheaded Saint Pancras. I don't think I'll ever forget the year 304," she barely smiled, although she looked very embarrassed.  
"Well, she tends to get angry with what she calls "ignorance." But even so, I know you will learn a lot from her. I'm sorry if she made you feel bad and wasting your time. I'll take your lesson tomorrow."  
Bernadette nodded, though without looking up.  
"I think it's time for dinner, aren't you hungry? I spent the whole afternoon with the numbers."  
Bernadetté looked up and then looked at the books on the desk.  
"Are they ledgers?"  
"Yes, unfortunately."  
"I...I can help you," she said shyly.

"Really?" Julienne looked at her well, she was still blushing and clearly she was very ashamed to propose what she was proposing.  
"I helped my father with the accounts in his shop. We had a greengrocer, it was nothing big but..."  
"Yes, even so you have to keep the numbers well or everything gets out of control. Sure, Sister Bernadette, you can help me."  
The girl smiled broadly, and pushed her glasses over her nose.

  
****

During the following days, Julienne was placing Shelagh, _Bernadette_ , in different jobs, including the administrative one, and in all of them the girl demonstrated that her virtues were not lies. She knew very well what she was doing, how she should do it, and besides, she studied everything she had to study, and she was brilliant with numbers.  
It was too early to tell, but Julienne began to see her as a possible successor.  
In some ways, Bernadette reminded Julienne of herself when she was just beginning, with a sharp mind and nimble fingers for studying and working. She was adjusting well to Nonnatus.  
But she had not started her training as a midwife yet. Julienne trembled at the thought of sending Bernadette for her first birth with Sister Evangelina. The nun still had her reluctance with the girl, and knew that she could inspire fear in anyone. A bad experience in the first birth could cause Bernadette to become discouraged and end up leaving Nonnatus. The first birth should be her chance to learn, not fear.  
So Julienne waited until she was topping the list on the board to announce to Bernadette that she should be ready to go as soon as they were needed.

"That's called favoritism," Evangelina whispered.  
"I don't know what are you talking about," she replied, although she knew perfectly well.  
Deep inside, Julienne knew she was lying to herself. She wanted to protect Bernadette from all evil, and make her feel comfortable working and studying. And she wanted her to stay there forever. Why? She could not explain it herself.

She began to find out that very afternoon, when she saw Bernadette calming down a frightened Susan Waitt while giving birth to her third child. Everything seemed so perfect, a normal and common delivery, it was fast and Susan was calm, knowing what it was all about.  
Julienne spent hours chatting with the woman, while Bernadette took care of the other two children, playing with them and then, as Susan's work progressed, taking them to a neighbor.  
She could see her laughing with the children, sitting on the floor with some toys. Bernadette looked like one more child, and the two little ones were happy with their new friend.  
But suddenly things got complicated, and Susan's almost silent contractions turned into piercing screams.

Julienne had been giving directions to Bernadette, until her hands found on Susan's belly what she did not want to find: the baby was transverse.  
It was a serious problem, which had to be solved with the care of the hospital, which was far away. There were few phone booths in Poplar, no one seemed to think that the people living among the wet and dirty bricks had the right to communicate in an emergency. And worse, Sister Bernadette hardly knew any streets yet.  
"You stay with Susan, I'll go to Woolton St. to call the hospital."  
"I can go, sister. Tell me where it is."  
"No, it's a dangerous street, there are pubs and…" she did not want to send her to that place full of drunks and men who could see this little and defenseless girl. Nobody dared to touch a nun, but it was already dark and...  
Susan's scream brought her back to reality. And then she saw Bernadette, stroking the poor woman's forehead, whispering to her that everything was fine, and that she was strong and that she could face this.

Bernadette was no longer a little girl in Julienne's eyes. Now she was a woman, and better yet, a female nurse. And then, when Bernadette raised her blue eyes, Julienne also saw a midwife.  
"Sister, if you allow me to try something..."  
"Whatever you want," she said without thinking, because she fully trusted that confident look that the young woman had. And she trusted, too, because Susan looked at Bernadette as if she were her saving angel.  
"I saw it only once, in my practices. There was a woman like her, and the doctor did something that I learned. I swear to you, it was not erased from my memory, I know exactly what he did. I'll try it while you go looking for a phone."  
"No, I'll stay here, I must be in case something goes wrong."

Another plaintive cry from Susan cut off the entire debate.

Bernadette went to work. She quickly lifted Susan's nightgown and climbed onto the bed. She rubbed her hands together quickly to warm them and rested them on Susan's belly. There she pressed, several times, tensing her face and narrowing her eyes. Susan was not even screaming anymore, she was just crying, covering her face with her hands.  
"I'm sorry Susan, I'm so sorry," Bernadette repeated several times. Julienne watched her move her hands, and then shake her head.  
"I'll call the hospital," Julienne said, resigning herself, but saw the girl deny again.  
"I'm almost doing it," she growled, moving her hands and squeezing more, leaning more on her knees as she made more force. Susan complained like a wounded animal.  
Julienne walked over to Susan, took one of her hands.

"Just hold on a little more dear."  
"Yes!" cried Bernadette, a broad smile on her face and little drops of sweat on her forehead.  
Julienne looked at her in bewilderment.  
"Did you accommodate it? Did you manage to put the baby in its place?" Julienne touched Susan's belly, the woman now smiling in relief.  
"Susan I think this baby will be very naughty, it will bring you a lot of headaches," Bernadette said jokingly, and Susan laughed slightly, before being pierced by a strong contraction.  
There was no time to congratulate her, to tell her that she could not believe she had made it. Julienne should get to work immediately.  
"Very good Susan, now the baby seems impatient, so push. Come, Sister Bernadette, you will receive the baby."  
"Me?" The girl looked at her in surprise.

"After your great work, it is what you deserve. Now put your hands like this," she instructed her. Obediently, Bernadette followed all instructions until a small but squeaky baby filled her surprised hands.  
Julienne looked at her, the wonder on her face as she saw the little newborn waving his arms in protest.  
"Oh my God, this is wonderful!" she heard her whisper. In that moment, Julienne knew that Bernadette would not leave Nonnatus. This was her work and also her essence. She could see it in her eyes, in her open mouth that no longer spoke words but laughed and smiled.  
"Tell Susan," she indicated with a nod. Bernadette smiled more.

"Susan, you have a beautiful boy!"  
The woman laughed and cried, something Julienne was almost used to seeing, but Bernadette was not. The young woman looked absolutely exultant.  
"Now, sister, put these clips on the cord," quickly the girl did it, then cut it, "Now check his nose while you wrap his, remember he shouldn't take cold, he's a small baby."  
"I want to call him Thomas," Julienne heard Susan say.  
"Hi little Tom!" she heard Bernadette say, in a fine and sweet voice, as she covered the baby and carried him to his mother who received him with a big hug.  
"Sister Julienne," said Susan looking at Bernadette, "I think here you have a great student."  
Julienne looked at her, smiling. Her chest blew up with pride and emotion.

***

The hours passed very slowly when a baby was expected to be born, but once it had arrived in the world, time seemed to regain its usual rhythm and was running fast.  
When they left Susan's house it was almost midnight. They cleaned up, verified Tom's perfect health, had made a dinner for Susan, and told the neighbor and the little siblings that there was now a new baby in their home. The father, with any luck, would find out about the birth of his new son next week, when he returned from the sea.  
"Oof, I'm dying from the heat," Bernadette complained, tugging slightly at the collar of her habit.  
"I think you can get used to everything, except summer with these clothes," Julienne answered walking towards the bicycle. She heard Bernadette moan in frustration, following her.  
Julienne stopped before taking the bike, and turned to look. It was not their role to say compliments or congratulations.  
But she felt she had to. Because the pride that was bubbling inside her erased the exhaustion and the suffocating heat.  
"Sister, I…," she began, and then was speechless. The girl looked at her, raising her eyebrows, not understanding, oblivious to everything that was going through Julienne's mind.  
_How can I tell her that I'm proud of her, that she's the most capable person I have ever seen, and that, by God, I want to hug her and congratulate her, and ask her to never leave my side?_  
"...Thank you," was what she could say.  
"Thank you? Why?"

Julienne raised her eyes to the sky for half a second, then looked at her.  
"For being here. I'm proud of you, what you did today was...awesome."

Bernadette smiled, a genuine smile, a relieved, happy, blissful smile that lit up her eyes like two lamps despite the darkness of the night.

And then she opened her arms and hugged Julienne.  
It was just a moment before she broke away in embarrassment, adjusting her glasses, apologizing and saying that she knew that was not correct. Julienne could not say anything because she was still surprised to feel for a second the thin arms around her, the clear show of affection she needed to give and that without waiting, she received. She just smiled reassuringly, and took the bike.

As Bernadette pedaled rapidly in front of her, with all her youth avoiding exhaustion, Julienne looked at her, finally understanding what was happening to her with this girl.  
_If you were my daughter, I wouldn't love you as much as I love you. If I had given birth to you, suffering like Susan Waitt, I wouldn't love you as much as I do right now._


	4. Chapter 4

Two new postulants arrived. One of them left two weeks later. The other, Sister Margaret, well... they all knew she would be leaving soon.

"Really, sister," said Sister Mary, in front of Sister Julienne's desk, "I know it's wrong to talk about one of my sisters like that, but that girl will end my patience. I don't understand what she's doing here if she hates working."

"I'm sorry to hear that. We know that Sister Margaret is a little...particular."

Julienne really did not know what to do. She was used to situations like this, but after the arrival of the efficient Shelagh, _Bernadette, her name is Bernadette, stop calling her by her real name,_ the ineptitude of anyone who came to Nonnatus was more noticeable, because nothing could compared to the Scottish girl.

Sister Mary frowned in frustration.

"I'll do my best to get along with her, sister," she declared, standing up, "But God willing she changes her attitude."

They heard screams from the hall. They both looked at each other and went out to see what was happening.

Sister Margaret ranted something about her shoes and her books, while Sister Bernadette watched her quietly and withdrawn, but with her eyes full of fury, like a cat preparing to attack.

"What's going on here?" Julienne asked. Instinctively she moved to Bernadette's side.

Margaret looked at her with contempt.

"It's her. She has better shoes and books than me. And everyone seems to worship her as if she were the Virgin Mary. Today a patient told me to get out of his house and call "the little nun with glasses"!"

"Don't you think maybe it's because I'm a normal person, while you look like a bad witch?"

Julienne stared in shock at Bernadette, who continued to watch at her "rival" with her arms crossed.

"Sister Bernadette! You can't say that to your sister!"

"But…!" Bernadette looked indignant, "You heard everything she just told me!"

"Margaret, go to your cell. You'll stay there until I order you to."

"Why?"

"Because this is a convent and there are rules!"

"I haven't made my vow of obedience yet!"

"To your cell!"

Margaret threw her books and shoes on the floor and slammed the door behind herself.

"Sister Mary, go and do your things," Julienne said firmly. The nun nodded and left quickly.

Then she looked at Bernadette, she was still with her arms crossed, her veil was twisted and a lock of blond hair was escaping.

She must be severe, even if it cost her a lot, _too much_ , to do it.

"What you said is very wrong."

"But…"

"Don't argue."

Bernadette lowered her head.

"Im sorry, sister, I know I was wrong but…"

"Enough excuses, sister. Go to your cell and reflect."

Bernadette looked up, looking directly at her. Julienne gulped, clearly the girl was holding herself back from screaming and slamming the door in an identical way to Margaret.

"Very well, sister. But it's unfair," she hissed.

Julienne opened the cell door and looked at her. Sighing, Bernadette entered.

/

She was not surprised when just an hour later, Sister Margaret had left her cell and was in the office, veil in hand, asking to leave. Nor was she surprised when it was easy for her to let Margaret go. Rather, she felt relief.

The woman left, slamming the door again.

She looked at her books, now complete with numbers neatly drawn by Sister Bernadette. Julienne thought of the young girl, it was necessary to tame her as if she were a colt, and that is why she was not opening the door of Bernadette's cell telling her that everything was solved.

No, she was Sister Julienne and as much as it hurt, she had to impose her authority and set limits. Something like what had happened was punished firmly in the Mother House. This was Nonnatus, and while some rules were sometimes broken, not everything could be a party.

The phone brought her out of her thoughts, with good news. The NHS would be sending two nurses and midwives next week. They would stay in Nonnatus, and would set up a clinic once a week, to attend to pregnant women and babies. There were many needs at Poplar, but there were also many babies who needed attention as quickly as possible.

They never had lay people in Nonnatus, that would be a challenge. She thought about what had happened that afternoon between two nuns and sighed. With two young nurses, worse things could happen.

She stood up, dinner was ready.

"I'll take this to Sister Bernadette," Sister Monica Joan had a tray with a plate of food, a glass of water and two books.

"No," Julienne said firmly, "She's grounded."

She noticed how Evangelina looked at her, clearly surprised.

"But the girl…" Sister Monica Joan was distraught.

"She's a postulant, she must learn many things before becoming a novice. And many more before becoming a nun. And also, she must reflect a lot. Sister, take that tray into the kitchen and sit at the table."

In silence, they all ate. Then they said Compline, and went to sleep.

/

The next day, Bernadette went out with Sister Mary, after praying Lauds.

Sister Julienne did not see her all day, she knew that together with Evangelina they were preparing everything necessary for the prenatal clinic that would begin soon. They needed to buy things, fix the parish hall, ask for donations, and a myriad of other things. Julienne treated several patients in their homes and when she returned in the afternoon, she saw Bernadette only for a couple of seconds, because she immediately left with Evangelina to attend a birth of twins, something that Evangelina assured her would be "spectacular for her education". When they returned, Evangelina had a smile painted on her face.

"I like her because she learns fast. Others turn pale when they see two babies and Sister Bernadette doesn't. She's cold-blooded, I like that."

"I know," Julienne said, helping her clean the instruments.

"I know I shouldn't get involved but last night was too much. We know the whole mess was made by that crazy Sister Margaret. And now you can't punish me for what I say, because the woman has already left, slamming the doors.

Julienne did not reply.

"Today she worked all day. I think she didn't even stop to go to the bathroom. She will fall asleep while we pray Compline, I don't doubt it. Anyway, I like her."

She nodded, calmer in knowing that Evangelina now completely accepted Bernadette and would not be bothering her with hurtful words or gestures.

She looked up, the girl had just entered, dragging her feet. She smiled at her, but did not get the same response.

"I'll go to my cell to study," Bernadette announced.

"Wait! Give me your instruments, I'll clean them for you," Evangelina smiled, "You worked a lot today, you deserve some help."

Bernadette left, returned immediately with her bag. She opened it, without looking at Julienne, and began to remove the objects one by one. Suddenly a clamp fell to the ground.

"Sorry," she whispered.

Julienne looked at her. Bernadette was pale, very pale, and suddenly her eyelids closed and her knees buckled.

Evangelina caught her before she hit the ground.

"Quick, a chair!" shouted the older nun, as she took Bernadette's face and shook her slightly. Julienne felt her blood run cold and immediately brought a chair. Between the two of them they sat her down.

"She's burning with fever," Evangelina said, removing her glasses and veil in almost the same motion.

Julienne put a hand on her forehead, it was indeed very hot.

They heard a groan.

"Sister Bernadette," Julienne said over and over, she could feel her heart beating in her ears. If something happened to that girl, she would not know what to do.

Bernadette barely opened her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't say that," Evangelina sat her more upright, "Come on sister Julienne, bring some water."

She walked to the kitchen, and saw her hand shaking with the glass as she filled it with water. She returned as fast as she could, feeling her eyes fill with anguished tears.

She found Bernadette with her eyes wide open, but still very pale.

"Do you want to believe that she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday?" Evangelina said, clearly indignant. Then she looked at Bernadette, "You are a very silly girl, of course you passed out. You were lucky you were here and not on the street."

"I didn't know this could happen," Bernadette whispered, her pale cheeks barely turning red.

"And I know very well why you did it," Evangelina continued scolding her, pointing a finger at her, "You did it to show that you can work and that you are useful. Ah, do you think I don't realize it? I appreciate that you like to work but you don't have to kill yourself in the process. Here the dead are of no use to us."

"Take the water," Sister Julienne brought her the glass, Bernadette took a few sips.

"Even so, the fever is not normal," more calm, Evangelina kept observing Bernadette, "Have you felt sick yesterday?"

Bernadette nodded.

"It's just a flu."

"The flu should not be underestimated. Come on, we'll take you to your bed, and you'll eat, do you understand me?"

She let herself be carried away by both, Evangelina took care of putting her to bed.

Julienne was afraid to approach. She felt like it was all her fault, that maybe, if she did not punish her, she would have noticed that Bernadette felt sick, and the girl would not have tried to show her that she was not a girl who liked to fight, but that she was a girl who could work and do it very well.

"I'll make you tea with biscuits, so you can eat something," Evangelina said, leaving the cell. Julienne looked around, walked over to the bed and took one of Bernadette's hands.

"Do you feel good?"

In response, she shook her head.

"Now you will eat and feel better."

Bernadette opened her eyes, they were dark. Her lips were dry, she wet them briefly.

"Sorry about yesterday," she whispered.

"Oh, don't apologize for that. I...I was wrong."

Julienne knew she was making a serious mistake. Acknowledging that to someone she barely knew and who should obey her was not good, but she needed to do it, assuring Bernadette that nothing was her fault and that she should not demonstrate her ability and good judgment.

But Bernadette did not answer, she just groaned and raised her hands to her head.

"Does it hurt a lot?"

She just nodded.

Julienne saw Evangelina enter with a tray, and seeing Bernadette, the nun denied.

"We will call Dr Turner, this girl is very bad."

"No, please," Bernadette said, her voice muffled by her hands covering her face.

"Oh come on, don't be stubborn. I'll call him."

Evangelina left quickly.

"I'll help you sit down so you can have your tea. You need to eat something," Julienne said, but the girl only denied several times.

"I want nothing."

The tea grew cold as Julienne placed wet cloths on Bernadette's forehead. The girl dozed a bit, then moaned in pain, or muttered something unintelligible.

At last Dr. Turner arrived.

"Is she the new postulant?" he asked.

"And the only one," said Evangelina, "The others escaped like rats."

The man barely smiled, and began to check on Bernadette. Julienne did not move away, she watched his every move.

"Not only does she have a fever but her head hurts, and she has not wanted to eat anything," Julienne reported.

"Does your stomach hurt too?" he asked softly. The girl nodded.

"I feel nauseous."

"It's a very bad stomach flu. It's not strange, today I already saw two more people with the same."

"Oh no, a new thing hanging around Poplar," Evangelina muttered.

"I can only give her something for the fever, we must wait it passes by itself."

"But will she be without eating?" Julienne felt the weight of guilt growing stronger. If she had not committed the atrocity of leaving Bernadette without food for one night, she would not be like this now. She would be strong and healthy, without being prey to viruses and bacteria.

"It's important that she is hydrated. But I'm sure that tomorrow she will be able to eat again."

Evangelina accompanied him to the door, but Julienne remained sitting in a chair next to the bed, watching the girl shivering with cold although her body burned.

The hours began to pass. She saw many such people, and people in worse condition. In fact, a patient like Bernadette was a mild patient who healed with rest.

But she could not move from there.

"You should sleep," said Evangelina, "Come on, she's an adult, she's not a baby."

"No," Julienne shook her head, "This is my fault."

Evangelina just rolled her eyes.

"If you are going to get like this every time you put a limit, then go presenting a resignation. Nurses will be arriving very soon, and if you are unable to keep them in order because you feel guilty, Nonnatus will become chaos."

She watched her sister go, closing the door with little care.

_She doesn't understand. I won't be like this with everyone. I'm just fair._

She knew she was lying to herself. In fact, she knew, very secretly, that Bernadette could easily kill someone and she would still see her as a special girl.

Why? Because she felt that girl as if she were her daughter.

Why? She could not know.

She just felt that.

Bernadette stirred, a blanket fell from her bed. She said something between her teeth.

Julienne lifted the blanket, placed it on a chair, and put her hand on the feverish forehead. It did not seem to slow down, it even seemed worse.

She saw her squeeze her eyelids, from which two big tears fell.

"Dear, wake up," Julienne whispered. The fever was causing nightmares.

Bernadette just groaned, said something unintelligible again. Then she opened her eyes, but Julienne saw that there was not the reason, but delirium.

"Mom…" she whispered.

The air left her lungs. She heard her repeat it.

"Sister, don't worry, you are here in Nonnatus," Julienne took her hand, squeezed it gently, "You just have a fever, don't fear."

But the girl shook her head.

"Mom!" she exclaimed, louder and clearer this time, "Mom, don't go!"

She felt everything around her freeze. This girl, this girl who seemed so special to her for so many reasons, was ill and was asking for her mother as if she were a three-year-old child.

And Julienne could not do anything, just look at the watch and wait for dawn to come and these nightmares to pass.

She saw the tears running down Bernadette's cheeks, as she continued to whisper her mother's name.

"Sister, calm down. Everything is fine," she took her hand again leaning over the bed, "Sister, listen, you're fine, everything is fine."

She began to pray, hoping that would calm her down.

But she kept calling for her mother, a whispered wail, born of raw pain.

This girl had no mother, she lost her when she was a child. Julienne had no idea how, she did not know how much Bernadette remembered about her mother, if she saw her die, if she saw her sick, if her life changed too much when she had no one to take care of her and protect her, and give her love.

And then, knowing she should not, Julienne sat up on the bed and stroked Bernadette's warm forehead.

"Shelagh, I'm here," she whispered, "I'm here, my dear."

And Bernadette calmed down. She even returned a small smile.

When the rays of the sun appeared in the morning, Julienne stood up. She had spent the night responding with an "I'm here" to every call from Bernadette, _Shelagh_ , asking for her mother.

The girl opened her eyes, they were clear and her forehead was fresh.

"Good morning, sister," Julienne said, knowing she would look completely drained. But Bernadette's smile, adorned with rosy cheeks, was a reward.

"Good morning, Sister Julienne. I feel so much better this morning," she said, sitting up slowly on the bed.

Julienne smiled, and went to the kitchen to make her some tea.

She did not know if Bernadette remembered what happened the night before.

Deep in her heart, Julienne hoped _Shelagh_ can remember it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to @levinson-mannion, I know this is your favorite story and I found that this chapter just needed a few details to be ready.  
> Merry Christmas!

Nonnatus House was overflowing with excitement and bustle. The first nurses had arrived, young girls with makeup, who did not quite understand what they were doing in Poplar with their high heels and perfumes.

Julienne was happy and fearful at the same time. More hands were needed for so many sick people and mothers, but vanity and noise were not needed.

In fact, she did not fear for herself or the convent, not even for her patients. She feared for Bernadette.

_ They're the same age, and they're surprised to see a young nun, _ she thought as she watched a tall blonde nurse, whom everyone called Trixie. The girl spoke too boldly, and Bernadette smiled at her and in her eyes Julienne could see that she wanted to respond and chat in the same way as the blonde.

_ It's dangerous, _ Julienne thought, shaking her head imperceptibly.

But at the same time, Bernadette was a girl with strong convictions. If she was there it was because she really wanted to be a nun, and she knew how to cope with the temptation of tight dresses and dances with handsome boys.

Julienne decided to trust.

But that confidence quickly faded. 

Just a few days later, as they set up the first prenatal clinic and the nurses could not find their feet yet, Julienne heard a laugh.

She stopped what she was doing, when she recognized that laugh. Looking everywhere, she finally found it.

Sister Bernadette was in the kitchen of the parish hall, surrounded by different boxes larger than herself. 

Alone, but not totally alone. 

Dr. Turner was with her, and when Julienne looked at them, another giggle escaped Bernadette's mouth. She saw her say something too, that she could not quite hear. 

She also saw Dr. Turner laughing next to Bernadette, apparently something was very funny.

Her hands trembled, and passing them through her habit to dry them from the sudden cold sweat that covered them, she walked towards the kitchen, repeating that she would only give a warning, so that the situation would not repeat itself with the doctor or with another man.

Dr. Turner was married, had a very young son, there was no reason to be suspicious, but nevertheless, again, she heard the giggle, and when she got to the kitchen door, the doctor almost bumped her, carrying a big box in his arms.

“Sorry sister, I didn't see you” he smiled. 

Julienne could not say anything, only entered the kitchen and saw the young postulant writing down in a notebook, checking what was in the boxes, doing an efficient job, like everything she always did.

“Oh, Sister Julienne,” she said with her bright eyes and a smile, “Do you need something?”

“No, dear,” Julienne tried to smile at her, and sat down in a chair in front of the table full of boxes. She saw her frown.

“Are you feeling good? Today is very hot, would you like a glass of water?”

“I'm fine, thank you. I just wanted to talk with you.”

Obediently, Bernadette put down her notebook and looked at her carefully.

Dr. Turner came back in with a clatter of footsteps.

“Everything is ready!” he announced, “I think we can start now, there is a long line of expectant mothers waiting outside.”

Bernadette smiled at him excitedly.

“That's fantastic, I was scared that no one came.”

“I told you it would be a success,” he winked at her and Julienne nearly choked on her own saliva.

Perhaps she should not speak to the young woman, but to him. She observed Bernadette well, she seemed flushed, although it was true, the day was very hot and she was still not used to the heavy fabrics of her habit.

“Sister Bernadette,” she began, and heard her own voice dark and thick. The young woman turned to her, concerned, “I must warn you about something. As a nun, you cannot be alone with men.”

The girl frowned, not understanding. Then she seemed to notice, but her forehead continued to wrinkle.

“But I wasn't here alone with Dr Turner. All the nurses and other sisters are here. “

“Not in this kitchen. And you were also laughing. “

She saw her take a breath, evidently she still did not understand her offence.

“But...the doctor…”

“The doctor is a man. And he is happily married and I know him and I know that he will not do anything inappropriate, but you must behave, both with him as with any man. Being a common girl you should do it, but being a nun, you should directly avoid any exchange if you are not accompanied by other people.”

“But I must work with him.”

Julienne sighed. Bernadette was not supposed to reply over and over again when somebody told her something, but Julienne would save that for another lesson. 

This question was much more important.

“Yes, I know you have to work with him and with other doctors, but you will never be alone. There will be a mother giving birth, or another nurse. And the same thing happens if you take care of a sick patient, or talk to any other man. You must not... encourage any kind of bond. The treatment is professional, and everything begins and ends there. “

The girl lowered her head, nodding.

“I understand, sister. Sorry, it will not happen again.”

Julienne stood up, and left the kitchen. For the rest of the day, she watched Bernadette. The few times she came across the doctor, her eyes were on the ground, and a few words were spoken.

****

The days passed, and the nurses adapted fairly quickly to the routine of a convent. After a month, all the women coexisted peacefully, doing their job and without disturbing the others.

Julienne was proud of all of them, the girls had learned quickly and now worked efficiently.

One afternoon, the phone rang, pulling her out of the dullness she had while she went through the ledgers.

Mother Jesu Emmanuel greeted her, and immediately asked for Bernadette.

Julienne gave a detailed but careful report so that her superior would not notice the pride and special favor that Julienne felt for the girl.

Then her superior said what she feared: Bernadette should go to the Mother House and begin her studies as a novice. If she was urgently needed in Nonnatus, she would return, if not, she would remain in Chichester until she dressed in her wedding dress, walked down the aisle, and said her final vows.

That would be a long time, but Julienne accepted what was ordered, but not before making sure that, once Bernadette made her vows, she would return to Poplar.

“She's a very capable nurse, and here we need people like her.”

Without seeing her, Julienne knew the superior was raising an eyebrow on the other side of the line. But then, the older nun accepted the deal.

Once she ended the call, Julienne walked over to Bernadette's cell and knocked on the door.

She found her studying, as always.

“I have good news,” she announced, “Mother Jesu Emmanuel called, tomorrow you will go to the Mother House and begin your novitiate.”

She expected a cheerful smile, not the sad face.

She approached, immediately took her hands.

“Dear, aren't you sure?”

“Of course I am,” she said lamely, “it's just that I don't want to leave here. It's my home.”

Julienne could not contain a smile.

“You'll return. I already arranged it, once you have your final votes, you will be here. They won't send you anywhere else.”

Bernadette smiled, more convinced.

“Then I'll start preparing.”

***

The next day she did not want to cry, but she did it before leaving her cell and then when she said goodbye to Bernadette in the taxi that would take her to the train station.

It would be months before she returned. It would be hard to live without her warm Scottish tone, her sparkling eyes, and her strong, determined intelligence.

Kneeling in front of her bed, Julienne began to pray.

“Oh my Lord, I beg you for Sister Bernadette. I beg you for my little girl.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is the last chapter of this story. Thanks for reading, and soon there will be more things written by me (if you want to read them haha).  
> Thank you and happy 2021!

Time is relative. For some people the days and months go by too fast and for others the hours seem like centuries.

Sister Julienne was one of the last.

Nonnatus' frantic rhythm was something happening around her, while she felt that she was standing in the middle, not moving, embodying the stable pillar in a changing world.

Every day she prayed for Sister Bernadette. It was not her duty to call to see how the girl was doing, but she wanted to. For a girl like that, the Motherhouse could be overwhelming. Nonnatus, in its own way was, too, but Julienne knew that Bernadette enjoyed moving around, like a little working ant, and enjoyed chatting with the nurses, smiling at the babies, playing with the children, asking the mothers questions, and discover the acid world of Poplar through the people who inhabited it.

In the Motherhouse there was none of all that. There were prayers, rules, studies, silence, and strangers. And Julienne was afraid that that change, that constant gray, would put out the girl's flame. Or what was worse, it convinced her that this life was not for her and she would go back to her secular life, without even saying goodbye.

_ There is so much potential in her, _ Julienne thought. And yet she knew that she was not just worried about the Order losing someone capable.

Sister Mary interrupted her thoughts. There was an urgent call, a mother of five children about to have hers sixth of hers, with complications of all kinds.

Both nuns moved quickly on their bicycles and when they reached the humble home of the woman, everything was chaos.

Finally, an ambulance took her away, at the hospital they would give her more blood since her own was scattered on the dirty floor throughout the house.

Those things made Julienne hesitate sometimes. God allowed that disaster: a poor woman, tired of having children, with a drunken husband, ending in the hospital. A poor woman fighting for a life of constant struggle against life. 

The thought and rage dulled her senses as she pedaled back. Sister Mary led the way, leading her through the misty darkness.

Suddenly something collided with her bike and Julienne fell to the cold and wet ground, pain crashing into her head.

She knew there was blood, and that something might be broken too, before she closed her eyes.

***

She grunted when an annoying light hit her eyes, and she opened them in disgust. Who dared bring her out of the deep sleep she was in?

She saw Doctor Turner, smiling in relief, holding a small flashlight in front of her eyes.

"She's better now" he informed someone and Julienne squeezed her lids open again.

She saw several of her sisters around her. She was in her bed, wrapped in blankets, and everyone was looking at her as if she were a museum piece.

"What...?" she tried to say, but Sister Evangelina cut her off.

“A crazy car hit you. The guy was a bit drunk so now he's in jail and I hope they don't let him go because he will find my feet hitting his buttocks. "

"You're fine now," Sister Monica Joan chimed in, "but we were very worried."

She looked at both women, then looked at the doctor, asking for more explanation.

“A small shock, and a wound that we have already stitched up. Some blows to the legs, but nothing more. However, I suggest a week off."

"Impossible," her voice came out dry, her throat felt made of sand. 

Sister Mary handed her a glass of water and helped her drink it. Julienne saw that her hands were shaking so she let the younger woman hold the glass to her mouth.

When she could balance her voice, she continued:

"It is impossible. Nonnatus is in full growth, this week more nurses will arrive. And I must take care of... "

"A week off," the doctor sentenced, with his masculine voice imposing itself in the atmosphere full of women. Then he softened his gaze, “You need it, sister. I know there are many things to do here, but if you don't get some rest after this accident, your body won't be able to recover well. And very cold days are coming, you can't risk riding a bike at night and under the snow, you can get sick in a much worse way. I'm sorry."

"They are all very busy, I cannot stay here in bed, waiting to be treated as if I were the Queen."

The doctor looked up at Sister Evangelina.

"Is there somewhere she can go?"

“Sure, the Motherhouse. They are all there with nothing to do."

"Sister" Julienne looked sternly at her companion, the nun sighed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean that. But they have time to assist you, and there is tranquility. It will do you good, it is also only a week, no one here will die because you are absent for such a short time. We will manage. "

Feeling surrounded by opinions contrary to her own, Sister Julienne decided to accept.

***

Wind and snow beat on the windows of the taxi that left her at the door, and she immediately saw a concerned Mother Jesu Emmanuel wrapping her in a heavy woolen shawl and carrying her inside the house as fast as she could.

“You arrived on the worst day of winter, but we already have hot tea and freshly baked cookies for you. How are you?" The older woman looked at the sides of Julienne's head, searching for something.

"Everything is fine, it was just a wound and I have some stitches, hidden in my hair."

“But I'll check them personally, I don't want them to get infected or something. Come on, go into the dining room."

The mother superior led her inside, where other nuns were distributing cups and saucers at the long table they all shared. They greeted her with a smile, but Julienne looked around in all directions, searching for Bernadette. If she was honest with herself, she had agreed to be in this place just to see how the young woman was doing.

“If you are looking for that girl of yours, she will come in a moment. Come with me."

Julienne followed her superior into a secluded corner of the dining room.

"I don't want the others to hear this, but I must tell you that Bernadette is the best we have… _ acquired _ ,” she smirked, "in recent years."

Julienne smiled a little, though she still did not understand what they were talking about.

“She is studious, she knows a lot, she is obedient, upright… We haven't had any problems with her, but even so, she is not submissive. I'll say it: she's not a stupid girl. And that is appreciated.” 

"I know," Julienne replied barely, knowing perfectly well where the conversation was going.

She suddenly felt sad. 

It was clear what would happen to someone with the characteristics of Bernadette: she would be left here, or sent elsewhere, where that intelligence of hers would be used for other purposes than to ride a bicycle attending deliveries in the poorest district. 

Julienne immediately thought of South Africa. There were always problems with that mission, they never seemed to find the right hand to take over. The Order always sent older women, with experience, who ended up failing. Perhaps now they were thinking of changing their strategy and sending the youngest woman and at the same time, the most promising.

She felt her heart break in two.

Mother Jesu Emmanuel continued speaking, apparently unaware of the tribulations that were happening within her interlocutor.

“I hope she continues like this, but…I think you could go thinking about her being your replacement when you decide to retire. Something I hope you won't do in a long time, because you are more valuable than you think. "

Julienne blinked, the woman smiling kindly.

“She will return to Poplar. We proposed other better destinations for her, but before making her vow of obedience, she took advantage of her freedom and already made it very clear that she wants to dedicate herself to midwifery. And what better than the place with the most pregnancies in the country?”

Julienne felt the soul return to her body and she smiled in relief. The danger had passed.

"And as she herself will tell you, in a few days she will make her final vows."

"What?" she looked at her superior, puzzled.

“I told you, she is very studious, and she was far ahead of the other novices. Her novitiate will end sooner, so this Sunday she will take the habits definitively."

Something clenched in Julienne's chest, something akin to happiness. 

She could witness that moment. She never expected to, it was impossible that she could take a day or two away from Nonnatus just to see a novice making her vows. It was unjustified. 

But now she was here, and she could be with Bernadette.

As if she had summoned her with her own thought, the girl appeared. Her eyes widened in surprise and Julienne could see that she held back from running towards her. That made her so much happier: the Motherhouse had done nothing to tame that cheerful character, and it seemed to be alive within Bernadette.

"Sister, what a joy to see you!" she smiled brightly. Then she frowned, "Did something happen?"

"Sister Julienne had a little accident, she will be here for a week," replied Mother Jesu Emmanuel.

"What happened?" now her voice came out alarmed, full of concern.

“Don't worry, it was just a crash with the bike. I have a head injury, and could have continued in Nonnatus if I had not been forced to come here. Now I'm very happy, because I see you well and because I will see you taking your vows. “

Bernadette's face lit up even more, with a special, almost angelic glow. 

A pure happiness.

"Yes" she smiled, "it will be this weekend. I can't believe it yet, I thought it would be in a couple of months!"

Julienne looked around, making sure that Mother Jesu Emmanuel was now a bit further away, chatting with a couple of novices.

“That's because you are very smart. It will be a wonderful day for you, I can assure you. "

"I can't wait."

They sat together at the table, the girl asking and catching up on everything that was going on at Nonnatus. She asked about her patients, the nurses, the other sisters, and the neighbors. She seemed happy to be back soon.

“I can't be here anymore,” Bernadette whispered, “all day still, watching the hour go by slowly. I know it's wrong for me to say it, but I get bored. "

Julienne giggled.

"I imagined you would say that."

Bernadette laughed and a very old nun looked at them both disapprovingly.

Julienne felt that two Nonnatuns in the Motherhouse were too much for some people. They carried around a natural movement that did not exist in Chichester. They were part of the same Order, and at the same time, they inhabited different worlds.

She was proud of that.

***

During the night, her head ached. The pool of blood throbbed at her wound, and sitting trying to sleep on the narrow Motherhouse bed made every bone in her body ache.

Julienne got up slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. She wanted to go to the bathroom and have some milk. The hall clock struck eleven o'clock at night, and only silence was heard, interrupted by some snoring.

Blindly, she walked to the kitchen. She seemed to have crossed the Alps because she did not remember well where it was, she took a long time, she was cold, and on her dark path she collided with a couple of indistinguishable things. When she finally arrived, she was surprised to find the place dimly lit by a candle on the table. Next to it, there was someone, and that someone seemed to cry.

"Hello?" Julienne greeted, taking just a step closer.

The half-light figure turned and immediately stood up.

"Sister Julienne, what are you doing here?"

"Sister Bernadette?" Julienne took two steps closer, with one hand she looked for the light switch on the wall but could not find it, "Sister, what are you doing here alone?"

"I...uh..."

Julienne resolved to stop looking for the switch and moved closer. That way, she could see Bernadette better. She was only wearing a white nightgown and her shoulders were wrapped in something dark and heavy, like a shawl. The cap was on but it was a little crooked so several strands of hair fell out. The worst thing was that her cheeks were stained with tears, which shone in the dim light.

"What's happening here?" Julienne asked, increasingly concerned.

The girl tensed, clinging to the heavy shawl that covered her.

"I was leaving."

Julienne saw that on the table, the small candle still glowed. It was nailed to a sweet little canapé, left over from afternoon tea. She looked at the girl, Bernadette had her eyes fixed on her bare feet only covered by white socks.

"I'm sorry," she whispered lightly.

Julienne took her by the shoulders, made her sit down at the table again, and sat next to her. In the months that she had known the girl, she had never seen her behave so strangely and it puzzled her.

"What are you doing here, and alone?"

Bernadette clenched her fists, then looked sadly at the candle, which was quickly consuming its light.

"Today was my birthday."

She hardly heard, it had only been a whisper as light as a breeze.

However, she was able to grasp the sadness there.

"Oh dear, I didn't know."

Bernadette shrugged.

"Nobody knew. In fact, I didn't even remember it, because I didn't really know what day it was today. But I remembered it before I went to sleep and it felt so...strange. I never had a party for my birthday, but I always received greetings, and there was always a cake and a candle to blow out and make wishes. I always had someone to greet me, but not anymore.”

She was silent, but then continued.

“Neither will anyone from my family come when I make my final vows, I didn't know they could be there, but one of the other novices said that all families come. When I said that no one would come and they all asked me if it was because my family didn't agree with my decision... I should have lied. It's wrong, but I should have lied, because that would have given some...interest to my life. But I only told the truth, no one will come because I have no one. The novices looked at me with so much pity, and I felt so bad. And now I did this stupid thing,” she pointed to the canapé in front of her, “It's so silly to do something like that, I'm an adult for God's sake! And I also know that it is wrong, I know, I was selfish, I shouldn't think about myself, or my needs, or what I feel, or pay attention to feelings, or feel sorry for myself, or... "

She seemed to repeat by heart something she must have learned, and Julienne squeezed her shoulders to stop her.

Bernadette lifted her eyes full of tears and took off her glasses to wipe it messily against her nightgown.

"Shelagh, aren't you sure?"

She put her glasses on the table, startled.

"Why do you call me that?"

“Because I want to talk to you, not to the person you are supposed to become. Are you sure what you are going to do, Shelagh? "

She nodded quickly, several times.

"Yes I am. It's my decision, my vocation, it's what I want to be forever. Please don't call me that way again."

Julienne nodded, then brought the small canapé closer, with the candle already dying.

“Happy birthday, Sister Bernadette."

She smiled a little, and blew out what was left of the flame. The darkness invaded them.

“At Nonnatus you will always have cake, greetings and hugs. I assure you."

She heard a chuckle.

“With sister Monica Joan there, I have no doubt that there will always be cake. Well, as long as she doesn't find out first. "

Both women laughed, then covered their mouths with one hand to avoid being caught breaking the Great Silence.

"Sister Julienne, why are you here?"

“I couldn't sleep and wanted some milk. But now I don't need it anymore. Let's go to sleep, it's very cold here. And eat your little cake. "

In the gloom she saw her delight as she ate the delicacy in two bites. Then she felt the girl squeeze her hand and help her stand up. 

Bernadette climbed the stairs slowly, making sure Julienne followed her, until they reached the landing and had to part.

"Good night, sister. Rest well."

"Goodnight. And happy birthday again. "

Julienne heard a giggle and then watched her disappear through a door.

***

Soon, she was jaded.

She needed to take care of things, and she continually thought of Nonnatus. She was thinking of the new nurses, coming and meeting Evangelina and her humor.

Most of all, she got tired of the attention. They treated her like an invalid. She knew that she was valuable to the entire Order, but she had a vocation as a nurse: to serve, and not to be served.

Bernadette cheered up the most boring hours. When she left her studies, she chatted a bit, waited for her with tea, and asked about the religious life.

Julienne enjoyed sharing her experience and showing, whenever she could, that things would not be as they were in the books or as they said in Chichester. 

She saw fear and anxiety in the young woman, but also the firmness, and the hunger to live. That reassured Julienne. No matter how much she wanted to protect that girl, give her confidence, a word of encouragement or affection  _ and by God _ , no matter how much she wanted to be a mother to her, she knew that the girl would become a whole woman, capable of deal with anything.

That was how it should be, because Bernadette would be the one who would follow the same path as her.

A continuation, like a daughter.

In the sky within Bernadette's eyes, Julienne reflected that feeling of a mother who protects and at the same time throws her daughter into the world, for her to transform and improve it.

"Are you okay, sister?"

"Sure dear," she smiled.

Bernadette smiled too, and continued with her scattered papers, asking and consulting, writing and making notes. A student eager to learn until the last comma in her books, and the last word from her mentor.

****

Sunday morning was brilliant. The snow had stopped, and the sun was breaking through a sea of clouds, highlighting the few colors that survived the winter.

Julienne sat in her designated place in the chapel.

She remembered when years ago, she too was a nervous bride preparing to go to a different wedding, to a different life. She walked down the same aisle, and after the whole ceremony, she saw her mother and brother, smiling. Her father was not there, he was still upset about the direction his daughter took. There were also a couple of friends, with whom she later lost all contact.

That day was very happy, despite her father, her mother's sad tears and the discomfort of her brother and friends.

That day she was the first of many like Sister Julienne, with a life where she learned between literal and metaphorical blows, to be who she was.

She clenched her fingers, waiting for the arrival for the only novice who would cease to be a novice that Sunday.

She glanced at the other girls, a couple looking visibly upset at being left behind by the stunning Sister Bernadette. Julienne thought that perhaps those girls would not get to say their vows and if they did, they would soon break them. They did not seem to have learned humility, but perhaps life itself would teach them. She prayed for them.

Minutes later, walking down the hall, she saw the little and only angel with a clear and determined voice, with a strong and at the same time sweet look, with a bright and white smile like that morning.

Julienne felt touched and proud. She got to know very well the almost child who arrived in the summer under the rain. Now she was still almost a child, and Julienne suspected that before her eyes, Bernadette would always be a child, but special and perfect.

Perhaps God sent her this gift as a reward for giving him her whole life.

Tears sprang up when Julienne saw her approach with outstretched hands and the biggest smile she had ever seen. Bernadette took her hands in hers.

“Thank you Sister Julienne for being with me! "

Because she knew her so well, she knew that the young woman was not just referring to that day.

***

The next day was almost spring: a Monday that felt like another Sunday, with sunshine, melting snow, and a gentle breeze.

The taxi driver, very solicitous, loaded Julienne's suitcase to his car and waited for her to say goodbye to Mother Jesu Emmanuel.

Behind the older nun, Bernadette appeared, small and quick as a little mouse, carrying her suitcase.

"Sorry, I was saying goodbye to everyone," she smiled, "I'm ready!"

The Mother Superior greeted both of them and together they got into the taxi that would take them to the train station, before heading to Poplar.

"Back to life," Julienne said, taking off her gloves, as the taxi drove slowly down the Motherhourse´s path. 

"I can't wait to go back" Bernadette smiled, and her blue eyes sparkled with enthusiasm.

Julienne laughed, and took one of her small hands.

"I admire your disposition, but a lot of work awaits us now."

“I know, so I can't wait. I have many ideas that will streamline and improve our service. "

"I don't doubt it. Sister Bernadette, I must not say this, but you really are a pride. I'm happy that we are your family. "

The girl smiled, looked out the window, and when she turned to Julienne, her eyes seemed to contain all the sun from the day.

“And I'm happy to have all of you as my family. Mainly you, Sister Julienne. Mainly you."

Julienne smiled gratefully at God, and squeezed the small hand in hers.

Outside, the blue sky shone brighter. A new stage was beginning.

_ The End. _


End file.
